I haven’t blogged since our vacation to Folly Beach, and I had a meeting with myself to figure out why I wasn’t motivated to blog.
The most used excuse on the planet is that I don’t have enough time. But I’m not the only busy person alive and people busier than me blog regularly so I didn’t let myself off that easy.
Then I thought “I work so much that I can’t think of anything to write about. And I can’t write about work stuff because I work in a pharmacy and there’s this law call HIPAA that doesn’t allow me to share stuff from work.” But then I know that’s not true either. It is true that I don’t want this to become a medical/pharmacy blog, but there’s plenty of things that happen during work and outside of work that aren’t legally protected subjects that I could write about. So, work is not a valid excuse either.
Then I read this blog written by Carlos Whittaker, and had a grand revelation about myself. I totally related to the post by Carlos, and there’s something about his articulation and imagery in his writing that turns some of his blogs into a mirror looking back at myself – and this was one of them. I have heard a lot of different angles in my life on the “good fight of faith”, but I never experienced that “fights” that others talked about. But I have experienced the “fight” that Carlos talked about, but it was never encouraged to be vocal and open about that type of “fight of faith.” That kind of fighting you kept to yourself – you certainly didn’t talk about it, especially of you were in charge of teaching others.
Therein lies the answer to my blog-block. Somewhere it was instilled in me that I was to keep my faith struggles to myself and deal with them in my “prayer closet” (wherever that might be). And in this season of my life (that started about February) has been like the “sudden death” round of my fight with faith. So, during all the in-between times when there is not a task to focus on, the struggle of what I was taught VS what I read VS what I see VS what I do is on the forefront of my brain. That would make for some intriguing blog posts, right? But yet the little twinge of “you don’t tell people about that” hits me, and I don’t write it.
Now the question is: I’m an adult and I answer for myself, so why can’t I just ignore what I was taught and write it?
There is a two-part answer to this…1) Part of it is pride. I think people who read my blog think I’ve got a great faith, and to break that image down in their mind (aka my mind) would be painful. (Because those people might be people like my dad and in-laws and grandparents and other people who taught me things during period of my life). 2) Some of the things I’m wrestling with involve real people I used to or currently have close relationships with. I’m not sure how many of them, if any still read my blog, but I don’t want any public discussion to cause hurt to anyone. Controversy – I don’t mind, conflict and confrontation are only ok within the correct context, and cut-downs are never ok. So, I want to make sure that anything that involves a real human being, and not just a concept, is said in honor and love of that person.
So, I know, without anyone telling me, I need to get over the pride. People don’t see me as perfect as I think/want them to.
But to write about things that frustrate me or confuse me or bother me, while risking people’s trust and confidence – I’m not willing to do that.
My conclusion: Until I feel that I can fully express my fight with my faith without calling out people that might still be personally invested in some things, I will keep my mouth shut.
If you’ve missed me… I’ve missed you too. And hopefully this confession will free me up to get some interesting (but maybe not life-changing) things on this blog in the near future.