In medicine and in life, symptoms are not the problem – they are hints to help identify the problem. The symptoms I listed in my last post led me to the conclusion of burn out in my school work, but what started the ball rolling down the burn out track?
In January of 2008, I was on a certain rotation where I was given verbal evaluations that were positive, but the written evaluations turned in to my school told a different story. The part that bothered me the most was the fact that I was reported to be rude and unmannerly. With her report to the school versus my word about what happened, the school decided to keep a close eye on me with an extra rotation assigned with a faculty member.
Looking back, I can see now where what I was calling “confidence in my knowledge and profession” was really pride, thinking that my charm and friendliness and presumed willingness wouldn’t allow them to fail me twice. But I was wrong.
In May 2008, I was full blown into many of the symptoms I listed yesterday. Those added to the normal pressures and stress of pharmacy school led to me failing the second time and a serious string of anxiety attacks.
In my case, a lot of people around me wanted to blame all of this on an attack from the devil. When in reality, my sphere of influence was about to be expanded to a place that a part of my character wouldn’t have lasted. And I’m not saying the enemy wasn’t involved – I know I have a big dream and a calling on my life that fits that dream, but the pride I had would have ruined it without the devil’s help. The one thing I can blame on the enemy is the string of people immediately after these experiences that looked at me and said “maybe you’re not cut out for this profession.”
But like Nehemiah, with God on my side, no matter what the voices said, I stayed on my wall, and completed my task in victory!
Next: Forgiveness and Recovery